under the table and dreaming

and with this post..

2007-06-08T15:13:00.000+08:00

...I end this blog.

..and start a new one here!

dilemma

2007-06-01T21:17:00.000+08:00

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else.," saya Morrie Schwartz, as documented in the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.

Sometimes you just can't have what lies at both ends. I've actually thought of or encountered quite a lot of instances of this dilemma, but wasn't able to write them down. One I have recently come accross though is about blogging -- you can't have a personal blog that allows your friends and family to get updated on what's going on in your life, and also write freely, just for the sake of writing, in the same blog. Or you can, if you like to live a life that's more complicated than usual.

under the table and dreaming

2007-05-20T01:07:00.000+08:00

Those who are not familiar with the Dave Matthews Band and their song "Ants Marching" might not be familiar with the new title of this blog.

"...his concerns, he forgets them
and remembers being small,
playing under the table and dreaming."

Although I had an..unusual childhood, I can definitely remember times when I played under our old wooden dining table and dreamt. Looking back, I realize that it didn't really matter what I dreamt of. What mattered was that I was able to dream freely.

Had I known what terribly complicated things the world had in store for me back then, things that made you put away your dreams in a small corner of your life, I would have stayed under that table, even for just a little while longer.

The Sun and the Moon

2007-05-13T23:34:00.000+08:00

wasted time.
i can not say that i was ready for this.
but when worlds collide,
and all that i have is all that i want
the words seem to flow
and the thoughts they keep running.
and all that i have is yours.
all that i am is yours.

painted skies.
i've seen so many that cannot compare
to your ocean eyes.
the pictures you took
that cover your room,
and it was just like the sun
but more like the moon --
a light that can reach it all.
so now i'm branded for taking the fall.

so when you say "forever?"
can't you see --
you've already captured me.

I've been meaning to blog about this song ever since the first time I heard it. Then this morning, I woke up in tears with this song playing in my head so clearly that I thought it was playing from the nearby computer. I took it as a sign.

And yes, The Sun and the Moon is so beautiful that if you allow yourself to experience it note by note, you could cry. But don't take my word for it. Just listen to the song here. (If you like it, buy the album!)

And no, it's not a..religious song, in that it does not make any direct religious references. But it is a love song, so therefore it can be read as a song of faith. It's art, so there are many ways of interpreting it. For me, it's a multi-sensory aesthetic experience, which is actually what the band's name (Mae) stands for.

on spiderman 3

2007-05-08T16:01:00.000+08:00

The greatest ~~battle~~ cheese lies within.

A movie is good when it meets expectations. You want to get your money's worth when you pay to see a movie. When it's a horror film, you expect to get scared. When it's a romance or drama, you expect to be moved. When it's a comedy, you expect a lot of laughs. And when it's the third installment of an action-packed trilogy, you expect it to be just as great or even better than part one and two -- you expect it to end with a BANG.

You don't expect it to be cheesy as hell.

How did the trailers miss all the cheesyness? Or did they just leave those out on purpose? (Marketing can really be evil sometimes) The movie was so cheesy, it was depressing. I was rolling up my eyes so frequently I was afraid they'd roll out of their sockets! And those lines... what happened to their scriptwriter/line producer? Were they high when they were writing? I'd quote the lame cheesy lines here but I am really trying to forget that I ever heard them. And besides, I don't want to spoil the cheese for those who haven't seen the movie.

Seriously, if they were gonna make a movie for the kids, they should've at least given hints that it would be so. I mean, I can appreciate movies like The Incredibles and Shark Tale, but then I had expected them to more or less fall under that genre. With Spiderman 3, I was expecting depth, because of the apparent dark theme. I wasn't expecting cheese.

5 Things I Hate About Treadmills

2007-04-26T02:02:00.000+08:00

1. It takes a while to get used to it. I've always had some vertigo after the first few times that I've been on it.
2. No cool breeze, unlike in real jogging/running. This makes for more sweat pouring down your face so you'd have to use the towel every once in a while, which could get you off-balance if you're not careful
3. You must obey the speed in the treadmill. If you want to slow down or speed up, you have to push a button, which could also get you off-balance.
4. There's a speed limit! One time I really felt like giving it my all and sprinting at the last minute, but when the meter reached 15 km/hr, it suddenly stopped!
5. Electric shock. Almost all the treadmills I've been on aren't grounded, which means as you run on the rubber belt, a static charge builds up on you and on the treadmill. This built up charge is released the moment you touch the treadmill, which can be quite painful and annoying.

songs to learn

2007-04-24T05:13:00.001+08:00

I'm a guitarist, but I haven't been one lately. The last time I really put my guitar skills to use was three months ago when my aunt asked me to record my guitar renditions of Canon in D (Johann Pachelbel) and Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring (Johann Sebastian Bach). And it was really hard for me then because my skills were really rusty.

So in an attempt to save and improve this talent, I am making a list of songs to learn/relearn. I have this list on my phone so I can easily access it. I'm posting it on a separate location since it's way too long for my blog.

at the grub club

2007-04-15T18:43:00.000+08:00

While waiting for my Chicken and Mushroom Panini at the Grub Club, I was bored so I took this picture. It's nice how the room appears to disappear into pure light to the far left..like heaven just lies ahead ^_^

I actually wanted to take photography, but then photography as a profession just won't cut it. (see previous post).

movie marathon

2007-04-09T20:09:00.000+08:00

I can't play any decent game over the internet because of the our intermittent connection (PLDT can really be a pain in the neck), so here I am making my weekly post.

So what have I done over the past few holidays? Well, except for coming to work in the middle of it, my girlfriend and I had a movie marathon. And here's a quick review of each film:

Take the Lead - 3/5
Antonio Banderas teaches dancing to a bunch of detention kids. Good movie, although the dancing parts weren't as great as I've imagined.

Fun with Dick and Jane - 4/5
Any comedy with Jim Carrey in it is sure to be fun. This movie does live up to it's name.

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 4/5
The disc cover says something like "This movie is for those who have a past they'd rather forget." Because at the end of the movie, these people might not want to forget after all.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend 1/5
This movie got a 1 out of five because it has good special effects, and the other girl is cute. Other than that, it would've gotten a zero. I'm glad I never spent money to see it in the theaters. It's almost as bad as Miami Vice.

A Lot Like Love - 3/5
A good romantic comedy, though I've seen better.

High School Musical - 5/5
I wish I've seen this back when it was being aired in cable. Back then I thought it was just another kid's movie. But having seen it now, I realized it makes you feel young, and makes you wanna get up and sing and dance. And Vanessa Anne Hudgens is cute too, especially when she is singing.

sigh

2007-04-02T21:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's really depressing to be in this country. It's when you pause and realize that even with an above-average salary, that middle-class dream of yours is still very hard to reach. When you start thinking about wedding costs, a lot, a house, a car, kids, etc and how you are going to finance all these between you and your future spouse, you get even more depressed.

And then you remember that more than a quarter of your above-average salary doesn't belong to you, but to your government. Then you hear reports that your country is the most corrupt in the world (?), and that 40% of the taxes you pay goes to corruption.

Two of my officemates have resigned to work abroad. And I'm thinking -- maybe I should give that option a little bit more consideration.

a choice

2007-03-27T23:18:00.000+08:00

I am going to make regular posts.

But statistics on me (based on many previous attempts) would say I'd just end up not posting here for weeks or months or maybe even years. It's daunting, really, and it makes me feel that it cannot be helped -- that I don't really have any choice over it.

But I do have a choice. And I choose to start posting every week.

Grey's Diagnosis: Which Character Are You Like?

2007-03-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

(click to see the larger version)

Only halfway through this quiz did I realize that it was really only for women. But I decided to finish it just to see the results.. at least the description is not way off. :)

Freedom of Choice Is Overrated

2007-03-20T07:42:00.000+08:00

A very interesting piece by Dyske Suematsu. It's even more interesting if you've just seen the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness."

Freedom of Choice Is Overrated
By Dyske Suematsu Nov-26-06

Coming from Japan, the abundance of choice offered in America has always frustrated me, not because I don't like having choices, but because many of them are meaningless for me. For instance, a typical diner in New York offers hundreds of items on the menu, but none of them are particularly good. Wouldn't it make more sense to offer a limited number of items, but make them really well? Unfortunately the answer appears to be no. In this country where the concept of individualism is almost sacred, having choice is unequivocally considered as a good thing. No one even questions it, except for a few theorists like Barry Schwartz, the author of "The Paradox of Choice" .

On the surface, when you walk around in Japan, you might see as many choices as you see in the US, but you rarely see any choice for the sake of choice. Because of the multitude of options associated with it, it took me about 10 years to be able to order a sandwich in this country. Type of bread: white, whole wheat, 7-grain, pumpernickel, rye, etc.. Type of meat: turkey, roast beef, chicken, ham, pastrami, etc.. Type of cheese: American, cheddar, Swiss, Munster, etc.. And then you have optional things like tomato, lettuce, onion, mustard, oil, vinegar, salt, pepper, mayonnaise, etc.. Learning what each of these items is is no easy task for someone who came from a culture where cheese is just cheese. It was like playing a video game with many different levels; I would often give up before I could reach the end. And, most of the time, after all this trouble, I would get a mediocre sandwich. There are certainly many places that make excellent sandwiches in New York, but ironically those who make great sandwiches usually offer much less options. This is because they are real artists who could come up with a combination of ingredients that we amateurs could not even imagine. Professional chefs spend their lives thinking about how to make great food. If we want something beyond what we can make ourselves, it would only make sense that we let them decide what they think is good. This is the reason why many Japanese restaurants have an item on the menu called "Omakase", which means you leave it up to the chef to decide what is the best and the freshest. It appears that the Americans seem to enjoy having control over what they are getting, more than they enjoy great food.

Choice for the sake of choice may be a pitfall unique to the American culture. In "The Paradox of Choice," Schwartz describes the term coined by Robert Lane called "hedonic lag": "a tendency of every culture to persist in valuing the qualities that made it distinctively great long after they have lost their hedonic yield." Most good things in life have lines beyond which they are no longer productive or beneficial. In the US, an almost religious faith in the power of individuals to choose has reached the point of being counter-productive. It is about time we move on to something more salient and meaningful for our own times. In fact, the book depicts a grim future if we don't.

The number of suicide per year is increasing. So is the number of people with clinical depression. Schwartz argues that the increase in the number of choices is creating unnecessary feelings of anxiety in us, and, in many cases, this is leading to clinical depression. This might sound far-fetched if we consider only mundane, everyday choices such as choosing a sandwich, a brand of cereal, or a holiday destination, but it becomes rather serious if we consider life-changing decisions like heath insurance and retirement plan. When there were no health insurance or retirement plans, family members, friends, and the people in our community helped each other to deal with misfortunes. Now because of the emphasis on independence, we feel we are on our own to take care of ourselves if anything bad were to happen. In order to make a choice, we now have to study and understand how all these things work. To understand how retirement plans work, one must understand the legal, financial, and tax implications of various plans. It also requires a significant degree of mathematical competence. It is rare to meet someone who has managed to make a fully informed decision. Such a person could in fact make a career out of it.

One might argue that it is still better than having no choice. It actually isn't. As I described above, when health insurance and retirement plans did not exist, we had different systems to deal with our misfortunes. And, since we did not expect to be able to control our misfortunes in the way we expect today, we did not have to blame ourselves for them. We were able to accept misfortunes as part of life. Today, any minor misfortunes are our own faults (for not buying every available type of insurance). We can't simply get over our misfortunes; we have to regret them.

In the book, Schwartz presents his theories on why the paradox of choice is making us feel miserable, and on how we can prevent it. He has practical suggestions like: "Choose when to choose," "Make your decisions nonreversible," "Practice an 'attitude of gratitude,'" "Regret less," "Control expectations," "Curtail social comparison," "Learn to love constraints," and so on… Personally I do not believe that these strategies work. Like the multitude of diet schemes available today, they sound good and would work for a short period of time, but in the long run, they would not. I believe the fundamental issue is missing in his suggestions.

The worst American "hedonic lag" is not the freedom of choice, but "the pursuit of happiness" which is declared in the Constitution. If we watched nothing but Hollywood movies, one would get the impression that if we have any unhappy moments in our lives, there is something wrong with us, and we have problems to fix. In most Hollywood movies, those problems are fixed at the end, and the characters live happily ever after. We treat unhappiness as some sort of disease to eradicate forever. This is the main cause, I believe, of the growing number of suicide and clinical depression.

In the book, Schwartz states, "in Japan, per capita wealth has increased by a factor of five in the last forty years, again with no measurable increase in the level of individual happiness." What he may not realize is that in the East, most people expect their lives to contain 50 percent happiness and 50 percent unhappiness. So, if you ask them to rate the degree of their own happiness in general terms, they would tend to give 5 out of 10, even if they are happy or miserable most of the time. They assume that whatever their situations are now will change sooner or later. In other words, they do not expect the degree of happiness to go up with their material wealth, at least not to the degree the Americans do.

If you read about the classic Chinese philosophy, I Ching, this becomes easier to understand. Life as explained by I Ching is a wave of upturns and downturns like a sine wave. It accepts constant change as part of life. In contrast, Westerners see life as a linear progression, something that should get better in time. Technological advancement, for instance, is viewed as something that made, and will make, our lives better. In the East, there is no expectation of that. Unhappiness is a natural part of life for Easterners. The following Taoist tale illustrates this view of life:
One day this farmer's horse runs away, his neighbor says to him, "I'm sorry to hear that you lost your horse." "Well, who knows what's good and bad?" says the farmer. The next day, the farmer's horse returns to his stable, and it has brought along another horse. The neighbor congratulates the farmer, but he replies, "Who knows what's good and bad?" The next day, the farmer's son rides the new wild horse, gets thrown off of the horse, and breaks his leg. Their neighbor offers condolences, but the farmer once again says, "Who knows what's good and bad." On the following day, his son gets drafted to the army, but he is excused because of his broken leg. The story goes on forever in this manner.

When you look at life this way, the concept of "unhappiness" becomes relative depending on the time and the place. By preventing unhappiness, you might be preventing happiness that follows it. When I reflect on my own life, what I consider as beautiful memories are from the times I struggled. Those struggles made me stronger, wiser, and appreciate life more. After all, if it weren't for human struggle, pain, and suffering, we would not have most of the great novels we appreciate today. What happens when we prevent ourselves from feeling unhappy, is that we make our lives boring. In other words, it is a surefire way of making us feel depressed. If we did not expect to be happy all the time, we naturally experience half and half. If we expect to be happy all the time, we end up getting the opposite result. This is the main cause, I believe, of the general trend towards unhappiness in America.

Most of the suggestions Schwartz presents in his book are ways to avoid feeling unhappy. His approach, I would argue, would have the opposite effect in the long run. He suggests, for instance, ways to avoid feeling regrets. He explains why we feel regrets, but leaves out the most important one: Because we expect to feel happy. Suppose I need to buy a cell phone for the first time in my life. After careful considerations, I choose one, but I become unhappy with it. I have no choice but to keep it for a year, but after that, I switch to another company. This time, it is much better. But, if it weren't for the first company, I would not be able to appreciate how much better the second company is. I now have a range of experience that I could share with others. I am able to put various cell phones in a proper perspective. Had I chose the best cell phone the first time around, I would not have gained this wisdom.
We have to experience negative counterparts in order to fully appreciate positive counterparts. Someone who has never tasted bad wine does not know good wine either. In this way, if you prevent yourself from experiencing unhappiness, you would eliminate your chance to appreciate happiness at the same time. You would guarantee your life to be dull and mediocre. The problem of choice does not lie in making the wrong choice, but in our expectation of feeling happy about every decision we make. If we want to appreciate life fully, we should expect (in fact we should want) half of our decisions to be wrong. In this sense, if you want to make the process of decision-making easier, just flip a coin. I am not kidding; I often randomly choose things in my life. When I chose my college, after I narrowed down my choices to a certain degree, I decided that whoever responded first would be my college. I figured, "Who knows what's good and bad?" And, it all worked out fine.

on the way to work

2007-01-30T20:32:00.000+08:00

Me: Boss, sa Ayala po.
Taxi Driver: ah, sige..
[I get in the cab]
Taxi Driver: saan dun?
Me: sa RCBC Plaza po.
Taxi Driver: ahh..bukas na ang uwi mo nyan noh?
Me: hindi naman po..mga alas-diyes po mamaya.
Taxi Driver: alanganin naman ng oras nyo..yung iba diba dose oras ang trabaho?
Me: ...?
Taxi Driver: depende rin siguro sa produkto nyo yan noh?
Me: uh...opo.

It's troublesome to explain that I'm an IT Support Programmer-Analyst and how that's different from a Telemarketer everytime someone assumes that I am the latter, so I just let it be.

Not that I look down upon call center agents, though. One of my sisters started out as a call center agent and now she has a good position in that company, and I am very proud of her. It's decent work, after all. I'm just not comfortable with people thinking I'm something that I'm not.

jrock and bleach

2007-01-23T21:33:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been listening to a whole bunch of japanese rock (aka jrock) songs, all of which are soundtracks of the anime series Bleach. It actually disturbs one of my sisters a bit, since she can't understand the lyrics of the songs. I don't blame her -- if I were'nt a Bleach fan, I probably won't like the songs either.

I guess it's because these songs bring me back to those moments, those themes that I so love about the anime series. Note that I am not an anime fan. Bleach is the only anime that I've ever been a fan of. Heck, it's the only anime I ever really watched.

Again, it's the themes. Of course, the comedy is also a big factor. But what really caught me are the themes of kinship, friendship, forming your resolve, and most specially, facing yourself and overcoming your inner demons. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. That's alright, because I'd rather you watch the series and see for yourself. ;)

stressed out?

2007-01-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

Just because you're stressed out doesn't give you the right to be mean.
Just because you're stressed out doesn't mean you can be insensitive.
Just because you're stressed out doesn't mean people can't politely tell you that you're stressing them out.

Just because people who love you put up with you when you're mean, insensitive and hurtful, doesn't mean they're not hurting. They're just looking beyond the hurt.

So maybe you should try looking beyond the stress.

Christmas Wishlist

2006-11-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

again, libre lang naman ang mangarap. :)

If you plan on getting one of the items, better leave an anonymous comment that you are. That way, people won't get the same thing, and the anonymity still makes for a surprise. :)

must haves (if i don't get these this Christmas i will buy them myself!):
* wallet w/ photo sleeves
* small-medium size huggable pillow for my cubicle
* small-medium size shirts/polo-shirts pref. w/ cool prints
* Bleach (anime) items (keychains, figurines, accessories etc). See here for a sample list. I really want some of these (i currently have none)! Meron yan mga cheap replica sa mga hobby stores in malls :)

okay din (but not urgently needed):
* stress ball (the one you squeeze with your palm)
* laser/optical mouse
* mouse pad w/armrest
* monitor glass cover (14"-15")
* cool stuff (pref w/ magnets) that i can put on my cubile walls - pref. bleach stuff!
* in-ear iPod earphones - sana iPod original, if not, Philipps will do (please wag Panasonic!)
* iPod FM transmitter (pwede rin generic type)
* case for 60GB iPod video that allows you to strap it to your arm while jogging (must include strap)
* authentic iPod video charger
* iPod video TV-out
* lots of blank DVDs/CD-Rs with cases
* Stardust by Neil Gaiman (book)
* simple, fashionable and durable wristwatch ( i lost my last one T_T )

unfortunately

2006-11-14T09:00:00.000+08:00

I have this friend. And she has this broken family. But how can it be broken it if was never whole?

It's just so sad. How unfortunate are the children who never chose to be born out of an illicit affair? Children who spent childhood without a real father, and had to figure out adolescence for themselves because mother had to leave and marry another man? How unfortunate is that?

This may not be the most unfortunate thing in the world, but as her siblings search for a home in all the wrong places, lives start to veer towards paths of self-destruction. And then she is left to the task of being the mother and father who tries to contain the chaos while facing the challenges of her own life.

There are more unfortunate things in this world, but if you know my friend like I do, you'd see that cleaning up after the fallout your parents left behind should be somewhere near the top of the charts.

the little prince

2006-11-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.

You are the little prince.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla
Join
Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Tagged by Ate Ria

2006-10-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

Everything Gabay

kilala mo si Tita Chit
sumali/nag-perform sa org tours
natakot/nanakot sa trust walk
naluluha sa Gabay song (hehe)
nakasama sa mga planning sessions
inabutan ang Gabay hacienda
naging bahagi ng execom
nanalo ng best tutor award
nanalo ng most outstanding gabayano award
sumali sa caroling
naging bahagi ng Gabay choir
nag-attend ng retreat
umattend ka ng 25th year anniversary
...e ng 30th year anniv?

Tambay ever

tumambay at nakipag-jamming sa mga kapwa gabayano
inubos ang lahat ng alam na kanta sa 1001 Hits na songbook
nag-aral at natuto (pwede ring hindi) mag-gitara (marunong na eh ^_^)
tumambay o kaya'y nag-meeting sa "sunken garden" (na hindi naman talaga garden)
ginawang caf ang GR
natutulog sa GR
kilala mo si Mang Manny
nabiktima ka ng higad sa harap ng GR
ginawang locker ang pigeon hole
ginawang notepad/drawing book ang logbook
gumawa at nagpapirma ng birthday thingy

Matters of the heart

nagka-crush sa isang ate/kuya
nagka-crush sa lower batch
nagka-crush sa angel/soul mo ^_~
nakahanap ng best friend/s sa Gabay
nakahanap ng true love ^_^

Tagged by Quilin

2006-10-10T10:10:00.000+08:00

Name ten things that you want to do/accomplish before you die. Afterwards, pick 5 people to do the same.

1. Get married and build a loving family
2. Finish an eight-kilometer run in under 40 minutes.
3. Write a song.
4. See one of the following bands in concert: Dave Matthews Band, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Dashboard Confessional, PANIC! at the Disco
5. Board an airplane.
6. Be in another country.
7. Play around in the snow.
8. Drive my own car.
9. See the northern/southern lights.
10. Say goodbye to the people I love.

I hereby tag: ma'am amy, ate ava, chi, grace and ate kamille. ^_^

The Dance

2006-10-06T15:50:00.000+08:00

On a tense summer afternoon,
just before the first rainfall of May
fallen petals dance with wilted leaves
in the forboding cool breeze.

They weave a scene of beauty
that leaves a serene memory
stronger than the storm's anger
and survives even after

the last raindrops fall
and the leaves and flowers are no more.

-chrisb 10/2006

Overtime

2006-09-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

By the time I leave the office at 6am, I would have been here for twenty-two (22) hours. O_o

rain

2006-09-08T17:48:00.000+08:00

"If I was the rain that binds together the earth and sky, who for all eternity will never mingle, would I be able to bind the hearts of two people together?"
-- Orihime, Bleach anime series

Scars are Souvenirs You Never Lose (The Past is Never Far)

2006-09-05T10:40:00.000+08:00

There was a time when I was so depressive that I managed to come up with a sad thought for every single day. I would write it down on my batch's logbook in Gabay, labeling it as "Sad thought for the day #n". Some of those sad thoughts, I quoted from someone, some I made myself, and some are parodies of certain happy thoughts.

Just now, I got a forwarded message from a friend:
tym cAn heaL aLL w0unds..

tym cAn give u an0thr chNce..

tym cAn heLp u 4get..

tym cAn Let u m0ve 0n..

Wow!

Dti an alm lng ay tym is gold!Improving!=p

But I was in such a bad mood, that I replied with a "forwarded message" on my own on the fly:
tym maks u old,takin awy ur chldhood inocnce.

tym fades ur memries,makin u 4get.

tym erodes relatnshps,mkng frnds drift aprt.

..all things disappear in time.

Shooting Star

2006-09-04T14:02:00.000+08:00

This is an english translation of one the songs I currently can't get enough of. It's one of the ending themes of the japanese anime series Bleach. I liked it even before I knew what the lyrics meant, and now that I do, I like it even more. ^_^

Shooting Star (by Youhna)

Alone, I looked towards the sky and saw a shooting star,
Although the burst suddenly vanished in a moment.
My heart becomes hurt with thoughts of you,
Right now I want to be with you, but I can't leap the skies so...

Maybe if I could become a shooting star,
I could leap through the skies to you.
Whatever kind of tomorrow comes, since a comet is always unbreakable,
This feeling is strong.

I don't like it when it rains. When it was dimmed out,
I remember what you said, even now.
"In the night sky, after the rain, beautifully, the stars appear."
Considering that, I've come to like the rain too...

Maybe if I could become a shooting star,
The overflowing light will fall,
So whenever times are sad, you who look to the night sky
Will come to smile and, like the comet, want to shine more.

What are you always fighting with on your own?
Being by your side is something I can't do but...

Maybe if I could become a shooting star,
I could leap through the skies to you.
Surely, without fail I'd reach you in this moment of light
And your now illuminated sky will revolve.
If I could become a shooting star,
Surely, I would rise by your side,
Whenever the time.

romantic roadkill

2006-08-31T10:24:00.000+08:00

and it seems like I'm lost somehow
my heart got lost on
the way to my head
and my brain cells are dead

and the craziness shows
now I start to go when
the green turns to red
and I should be dead

Tagged by ate Cla

2006-08-24T14:06:00.000+08:00

Rules:This is simple. Just:
1. Emphasize all lines that apply to you.
2. Tag five more people after you finish, complete with links to their sites.
3. Let the person you've tagged KNOW that they've been tagged, for Pete's sake.

I wish I was a different ethnicity.
I have an eating disorder.
I'm short.
I'm tall.
I think I'm really attractive.
I prefer winter over summer.
I'm a geek.
I'm a shopaholic.
I'm reasonably intelligent.
I'm attracted to girls.
I'm attracted to boys.
I like British accents.
I smoke regularly.
I drink regularly.
I smoke socially.
I drink socially.
I get drunk easily.
I do drugs.
I will never date a bad kisser.
I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
I brush my hair at least 50 times a night.
I'm religious.
I'm not religious but have morals.
I lie frequently.
I'm impulsive.
I'm hardworking.
I liked "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind".
"She's All That" is one of my favourite movies.
I'm good at History.
I speak more than two languages.
I enjoy taking pictures.
I like spending money on myself.
I like spending money on others.
I have a regular income.
I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
I pay my own bills.
I rely on my parents for money.
I can cook.
I enjoy cleaning.
Tidyness is a must in my life.
I like clutter.
My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
I have heard of Blonde Redhead.
I enjoy Blonde Redhead.
I'm fashion-conscious.
I have good taste.
People tell me I have good taste.
I excel academically.
I'm told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
I'm good at sports.
I'm good at certain sports.
I couldn't do sports to save my life.
I'm creative.
I'm artistically inclined.
I wanna be an artist when I grow up.
I wanna be an engineer when I grow up.
I eat when I'm upset.
I cannot adapt to change.
I'm interested in politics.
I have shoplifted.
I download MP3s.
I've done underage drinking.
I've gone underage clubbing.
I can dance reasonably well.
I can dance extremely well.
I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
I can sing.
I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
I can swim.
I enjoy surveys.
I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
I keep a journal.
My teachers don't like me.
I enjoy controversy.
I can be a bitch/bastard.
I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
I have tattoos.
I've been in a nudist colony.
I'm not sure if I want to have children.
I'm not sure if I'll get married.
I know who I will marry.
I'm interesting.
I'm a good liar.
People enjoy talking to me.
I annoy people from time to time.
I'm a born leader.
I'm a born leader but shouldn't lead.
I enjoy felching.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a shoe fetish.
I watch "Sex and the City".
I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
I wanna be J.Lo.
I cut myself.
I've cut myself.
I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
I hate popular people.
I think cheerleading is a sport.
I'm photogenic.
I live in Chucks.
I think graffiti is art.
I have dated a criminal.
I have been cheated on.
I have cheated on someone.
I have a temper.
I like playgrounds.
I dance in the rain.
I'm obsessed with Shakespeare.
I have tanlines.
My favourite color is pink.
My favourite color is black.
I would classify myself as emo.
I'm musically inclined.
I like listening to music.
I like music-blasting cars.
Thongs are comfortable.
I like flip-flops.
I know what monogamy is......and I believe in it.
I wanna be a social worker when I grow up.
I have sibling/s.
My sibling/s annoy me.
I think "South Park" is funny.
I believe in LOVE.

Tag! YOU are it! Quilin, Osing, Grace, Raquel, Pia

an afternoon to remember

2006-08-01T15:11:00.000+08:00

"Nothing's perfect," sighed the fox. "My life is monotonous. I hunt chickens; people hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all men are just alike. So I'm rather bored. But if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I'll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music. And then, look! You see the wheat fields over there? I don't eat bread. For me, wheat is no use whatever. Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you've tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I'll love the sound of the wind in the wheat..."
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry , The Little Prince

It's wonderful when you find out that a close friend has found love. For me, it's like comfortably sitting on a wooden picnic table, watching as yellow leaves get swept up in the cool summer afternoon breeze.

Come to think of it, that memory comes from a certain summer afternoon four years ago. It was the day I found love.

:)

touch therapy

2006-07-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

Earlier today, Quilin and I went to the local spa for a full-body massage. I've been looking forward to this for weeks now, and now I'm already looking forward to the next one. Such stress, this working life brings.

My new friends probably don't know that I'm an amateur masseur myself. I learned from my college friends, but actually my first performance dates back to my early childhood. My father would ask me to stand and walk on his back while he lies face down on his bed. Back then I didn't understand what it was for -- it even seemed strange to me, for I thought someone standing on your back would hurt.

I was only enlightened to the power of a good massage by the time I was in college. One day, I went to our org room with stress written all over me due to a previous all-nighter cramming for an academic requirement. One ate of mine was kind enough to offer me a back rub, and only then did I realize how good it felt.

Ever since then I've been trying to learn the art. It's amazing how much relief you can give to someone just by using your bare hands. After some time, I taught Quilin how to do it, so we could give each other a back rub. (It's the tragedy of the masseur/masseuse -- you can't give yourself a back rub)

It's one of the best things in life, and it's free -- well, sometimes it is. ^_^

on change

2006-07-29T16:25:00.000+08:00

"...You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. " (see previous post)

Yesterday I went home alone. Two months ago this would have been alright, but yesterday it was sad. Because of our different schedules and responsibilities, getting together has become hard, and will become harder as time goes by.

Sometimes I hate change. Just when you're comfortable with your life, things change, and then you'd have to find that sense of equilibrium again, which never really last long enough. Sometimes things change so fast there isn't even time to say goodbye to the present as it moves to the past. Sometimes you don't even notice it's already gone. And when you do, you're left with this tearing feeling, which only gets worse as you force yourself to move forward and not look back.

But as I realized years ago, without change there is no uncertainty. That would have been great, but without uncertainty, how can there be hope?

And change makes us strong. It's what pushed living organisms to evolve in the first place. With every painful change is a challenge to become stronger. The pain is inevitable. I just wish I won't have to go through it alone.

So maybe I don't really hate change. I just hate being alone.

twenty-something

2006-07-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

(forwarded to me by a friend)

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.

You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. [italics mine]

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Thank You

2006-07-23T13:37:00.000+08:00

I would like to thank the following people for their thoughtful messages last July 15th:

(in chronological order)

Quilin Pattaui, JayR Estacio, Mutya Bondad, Kristel Galicia, Karen Bustalinio, Ira Marasigan, Ria Rivera, Paolo Guanio, Clang Manuel, Daddy and Family (personal so di ko na-log ang time. hehe), Ace Cimafranca, Melit de Guzman, Anj Paguio, Rolls Pagunsan, Ishehyrelle Ieres, Sally Vy, Pearl Bersales, Jahnus Silva, Mark Ayaay, Joan Alvarez, Jacklyn Co, Marc Santos, Gerald Flores, James Sta. Isabel, Jay Endaya, Ava Velasquez, Tammie Briones, Chloe Cervania, Grace Sarmiento, Ray Ocfemia, Cindy Tambago, Belle Pedro, Myko Marcilla, Cla Martin, Mark Edaño, Dina Poyaoan, Tehani San Pedro, Xandee Lacerna, Soph dela Paz, Chi Billones, Kalil Almonte, Gema Abrahano, Kamille Tabalan, Tina Sendin, Perci Ko, Ariel (sorry I don't know your last name), Martin Marte, Omar Castro, Dindy Las Piñas, and Lilac Caspe

Special Thanks to:

Quilin -- for the surprise delivery of a big, fluffy comfy pillow, and the best post-birthday celebration I have ever had. I love you. :)

Deb -- for keeping me company on that lonesome day, and for the free Gloria Jeans coffee. :)

my AST batchmates: Adrian, Athena, Belle, Chloe, Eric, Jeremy, Jules, Leo & Jas, Kristel, Martin, Osing, Peter, and Tiff -- for consuming three eighteen-inch Yellow Cab Pizzas (hehe), for the book (I haven't read it yet -- im sort of "saving it up") and written birthday messages*. I really didn't see that coming. Thank you so much for the wonderful surprise. Thank you for a great pre-birthday celebration. :)

*back in Gabay, my college org, a "birthday thingy" was made for each member for his/her birthday, containing birthday messages from the other members of the org. I felt sad, knowing that since I had graduated, I won't be on the "birthday thingy" list anymore. Imagine my surprise when I got one from my officemates. ^_^

The 22nd Floor

2006-07-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
-- Semisonic, "Closing Time"

Sometimes I imagine our batch as characters in a cable TV series. It would be about the lives of fifteen strangers which inevitably intersect once they are accepted as trainees for a company somewhere in Ayala.

The pilot episode would deal mainly with the experiences of the characters as they go through the struggles of the first day of work (for some it maybe the second or third first day) -- the expectations, surprises, tension, and first impressions.

The series would go on to show flashbacks of each of their pasts, revealing the experiences, the people who had a hand in shaping their character, which would explain the way they are now, and how they deal with the people and situations around them.

The show would also deal with the hardships of life at work, the blooming friendships and subtle issues, energizer bunnies and persons-who-must-not-be-named, impersonations and imaginary worlds, noteworthy lunch conversations, late night symposiums at fastfood chains (load-up mode/tipid mode) and LET LOOSE moments while having the almost-best-seat-in-town (damn those colorful TODO cushioned chairs) and coolest ambiance (oo, gusto ko ng ambiance!! ditch the 3 beers for 120! hahaahha! =p)*

Lastly, the first season finale would be about today, for today the first phase of our training ended as we started walking different paths, even though we're pretty much still on the same floor. The episode would continue on showing how this radical change comes about, and the mixed emotions that are stirred by it. A mixture of excitement, apprehension, disappointment, elation, and nostalgia hangs in the air, but is permeated by an air of necessity, since after all, work is what we came here for in the first place.

The last few minutes of the finale would be silent and slightly in slow-motion (and maybe even in black and white), showing each of the characters as they venture on the new worlds on their own, while a melodramatic song plays in the background (like Eva Cassidy's rendition of Time After Time).

umandar na naman ang kasentihan ko. hehe

* with additions from belle. ^_^

wish list

2006-07-09T19:56:00.000+08:00

libre lang naman ang mangarap. ;)

NOTE: if you are worried that someone else might get the same thing, you can leave an anonymous comment here, para may surprise pa din and at the same time walang doble. hehe :D

books
Stardust by Neil Gaiman
Pugad Baboy 2, 4-18 by Pol Medina Jr.
The Witching Hour by Anne Rice
The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice
Pandora by Anne Rice

CDs
Mojofly, Session Road, Soapdish, Moonstar 88, Itchyworms
(Please no pirated CDs. Support OPM!)

others
My Chemical Romance T-Shirt (black; medium or large)
big fluffy pillow (made of feathers sana)
handy water container that I can bring to work
Il Mare DVD (ito kahit hindi orig. hehe)
a pack of blank DVD-Rs/CD-Rs

..but there's nothing like the simple, warm company of friends. ;)

sending postcards from a plane crash

2006-07-06T21:04:00.000+08:00

INSTRUCTIONS

01. Put your music player on shuffle.
02. Press forward for each question.
03. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
04. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

[I'm gonna put some lyrics and comments soon when I have time.]

How are you feeling today?
Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash by Fall Out Boy

Will you get far in life?
Forever Blue by Cacai Velasquez

How do your friends see you?
Here Is Gone by Goo Goo Dolls

Will you get married?
Waiting in Vain by MYMP

What is your best friend's theme song?
You Gotta Be Strong by Desree

What is the story of your life?
Slide by Goo Goo Dolls

What was high school like?
Don't Tell Me by Avril Lavigne

How can you get ahead in life?
Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer

What is the best thing about your friends?
The First Cut is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow

What is in store for this weekend?
Five Years by Sugar Hiccup

What song describes you?
'Till My Heartaches End by Ella Mae Saison

To describe your grandparents?
Eyes On Me by Faye Wong (piano version)

How is your life going?
Reinventing the Wheel to Run Myself Over by Fall Out Boy

What song will they play at your funeral?
Cool With You by Jennifer Love Hewitt

How does the world see you?
Wordplay by Jason Mraz

Will you have a happy life?
Paalam Na by Rachel Alejandro

What do your friends really think of you?
When You Say Nothing at All by Allison Krauss

Do people secretly lust after you?
Don't Let it Bring You Down by Annie Lennox

How can I make myself happy?
Don't Leave This Place by Sponge Cola

What should you do with your life?
No Ordinary Love by Jennifer Love Hewitt

Will you ever have children?
Fields of Gold by Eva Cassidy

No Stardust

2006-07-05T21:14:00.000+08:00

I've just been to Powerbooks (Greenbelt), A Different Bookstore (Glorietta), Fully-Booked (Gateway), and two National Book stores -- that's five different major book stores in more than three malls, and still I could not find a single copy of Neil Gaiman's Stardust. This is really not helping.

I'm Okay

2006-07-05T21:02:00.000+08:00

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

The scent of vaseline in the summertime
The feel of an ice cube melting over time
The world seems bigger than both of us
Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry

It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet

- Splender, "I Think God Can Explain"

fallout

2006-07-05T11:07:00.000+08:00

It sucks when you lose your self-esteem.

It sucks even more when you realize that you lost it all by yourself.

R

2006-06-30T15:15:00.000+08:00

Grace had this post on her blog where she was given a letter, and was tasked to name ten words that begin with that letter. All those who wanted to be "tagged" were asked to reply so that a letter could be assigned to them. She gave me the letter R, so here I go. :)

1. reconciliation - when genuine, this can be a truly divine experience. (see previous post) ^_^

2. rest - *geek mode on* in physics, the state at which an object does not have any momentum. They say nothing is absolutely at rest, for all things are moving based on some reference point. *geek mode off* Rest comes in short supply nowadays. Thank God there is coffee! hehe

3. rock - a splendid musical genre. I particularly like EMO and punk rock and almost everything else that has 100mph drums and furious guitars.

4. remember - something that I have a hard time doing. I hated History and Chemistry because I'm not so good at memorizing stuff. At one time, I forgot where I put my phone and was frantically looking for it, only to realize that I was actually holding it in left hand!

5. real - " 'What is real?', asked the rabbit one day, when they were sitting side by side by the nursery fender, before nana came to tidy the room." The story of the velveteen rabbit starts with this question, and in the end he realizes that you are real when you are loved, even if you become worn, shabby and full of stitches in the process. I actually did the story as a declamation piece back in freshman highschool. Good thing I don't have a very good memory (see #4).

6. reset - a nifty feature in computer games where you can simply start everything over if you made choices that you didn't like, or replay a wonderful moment over again. Sometimes I wish life had a reset button, but then nostalgia and EMO would not exist, so never mind. :D

7. red horse beer - my favorite beer! It suits my taste, and I don't have to spend too much money just to get satisfied (napapagastos ako kapag lights lang. hehe). Two 500-mL bottles will do fine. :D

8. reading - I love to read. By this I mean light reading -- readings which does not require some level of cryptography, unlike topics on Electromagnetics and the Fundamental Option. Anyway, there's nothing like a good book. I'm currently reading Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, and I'm really having a hard time putting it down. The physics involved is just too much of a treat for the geek in me!

9. relationship - I think the quality of life is somehow proportional to the quality of the relationships one has. As a human being, relationships are inevitable and necessary, and by this I mean any relationship -- not only romantic ones. This is part of what it means to be a human being -- having a connection to someone other than oneself.

10. relish - During my five-day silent retreat in Baguio, we were taught to relish God's presence. I wish I never forget how it is to slow down and enjoy life as it passes by one moment at a time. This is so hard in the "real" world where the pace is so fast that people have a hard time having time for anything.

There, I'm finally done! If you want to get "tagged" just leave a comment here and I'll give you a letter to work on. ^_^

yema

2006-06-29T10:57:00.000+08:00

Ever since I saw yema being sold at the local cafeteria, I've been having it for dessert during lunchtime. It's such a bestseller that when thursday comes, the cafeteria runs out of it. They normally restock on mondays, but last monday there were still no yema to be found. Needless to say, lunch was not the same.

When wednesday came and still there was no yema (not even crinkles or kettle korn!), I just had to take matters in my own hands. On my way home I bought a box of yema from the MRT station in Cubao. I gave some to Quilin and my siblings, then brought the remaining sixteen pieces to work the following day.

Towards the end of the day, only three were left. A couple of my officemates took one each, which leaves one up for grabs (pinoy na pinoy talaga! ^_^). I had enough yema for a day, so I really wanted to give it away. Then suddenly I thought I'd give it to her, as a sign of good will and a step towards our reconciliation.

I was the last to leave the training room so all my batchmates were waiting at the elevator. I offered up the yema to everyone, then I realized that she was right in front of me. It was strange, finally looking at her in the eye and asking her if she wanted the last yema. Strange, but nice. She smiled, then asked me if I was sure about it. I said yes, and couldn't help but smile back.

At this point our batchmates were all looking at us, with big knowing smiles on their faces. She took the yema, and I walked away to dispose of the empty box.

She went after me and gave me a hug, and I suddenly realized that I was no longer angry or upset, and neither was she.

And so we talked about it, and found out that we just had a bad case of miscommunication. It feels so good to be talking and smiling again. So good that I want to cry. :'D

And the yema was great, even better than the ones they sell in the cafeteria. ^_^

"...Loose lips sink ships."

2006-06-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

-- Fall Out Boy, "XO"

this one's for you, too

2006-06-26T19:32:00.000+08:00

you'll never make me leave
i'll wear this on my sleeve
give me a reason to believe.

so give me all your poison
and give me all your pills
and give all your hopeless thoughts that make me ill
you're running after something that you'll never kill
if this is what you want, then fire at will.

- My Chemical Romance, "Thank You For the Venom"

Why aren't we talking?

To start with, we weren't talking even before I found out that we weren't talking, if you know what I mean. I was caught by surprise.

"I'd rather we don't talk to each other anymore." -- These were your exact words, taken from the message you sent me.

"Peace?" -- This was also your exact message, less than twenty-four hours later. After all you made me feel, did you really expect I'd be nice to you just like that? Masisisi mo ba ako kung binalewala ko ang katiting na text message na 'yan? (Why do you seem more articulate when you're hurting me?) And what did you mean by "peace"? Inaway ba kita? I remember you were the only one who opened fire. And isn't the silent non-talking environment peaceful enough for you? After all, you said you'd rather not talk to me anymore. What more do you want?

But I haven't totally given up on this friendship. Maybe it can be fixed. But the recent events have left me thinking, maybe we should put a limit to how much we can be close to each other. Or maybe, there already is a limit, thanks to what has happened. Maybe once this pain has mellowed down into a dull ache, we can be civil, have small talk or even smile a little. But I don't think things will go back to where they were, for during these past few days, my beliefs about you and this friendship has been put to question.

How can I have faith if I don't know what to believe anymore?

the first monthsary

2006-06-25T20:14:00.000+08:00

Last thursday, a couple of friends and I went to see The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift as a way to de-stress. Only after leaving the cinema did we realize that that day marked our first month in the company.

We were supposed to de-stress but once we stood up to leave I felt a really bad headache. Whether it was caused by the abundant sound of screeching tires or the awful plot, I still don't know. The drift scenes were breathtaking, though. (So maybe it's oxygen depravation that caused the headache?)

I hope this week turns out to be lighter than the last one. After all, it's suweldo week! Yey! ^_^

At least I'm no longer depressed like the Catcher in the Rye. However, life isn't less complicated. I do hope I continue to see this as an oppurtunity to be strong and grow as a person.

So help me, God.

basahin mo, baka para sa iyo 'to

2006-06-21T20:55:00.000+08:00

Minsan nagtatanong kung saan, kailan, paano nasimulan
ang katapusang mahirap takasan.
Pero 'wag na.
Ibato mo nalang sa ulan.
-eraserheads, "Tama Ka Nga"

Sana sinabi mo sakin nang mas maaga. Hindi ko masasabing napakabuti kong kaibigan, pero sa tingin ko naman seryoso kitang pakikinggan at iintindihin kung sinabi mo lang sa akin sa isang paraan na maayos kahit kaunti.

Alam mo akala ko panghabambuhay na ang pagkakaibigan natin. Ngayon hindi ko na alam.

Inaamin ko na nagkamali ako, pero nais kong malaman mo na hindi kita sinadyang saktan kahit kailan. Nirerespeto ko ang karapatan mo na idaing ang mga hinanakit mo. Mahirap mag-isip nang matino kapag nasasaktan, pero sana sinubukan mong isaisip ang pagkakaibigan natin bago mo binitawan ang mga sinabi mo. Ganun naman ang magkakaibigan diba? Kahit mahirap sinusubukang alpasan para sa pagkakaibigan.

Napakasakit ng mga sinabi mo. Sana pinag-isipan mo ang bawat salita dahil hinding-hindi mo na mababawi ang mga ito. Sana nakatulong sila sa iyo.

Nais kong malaman mo na may pagka-makasarili ka. Hindi ko ito sinasabi dahil sinaktan mo ako -- sinasabi ko ito dahil baka hindi mo ito napapansin. Iyon siguro ang lumason sa pagkakaibigan natin -- ang pagka-makasarili mo at ang pagtitiwala kong maiintindihan mo ang pag-uugali kong parang batang pasaway.

Sana kahit papaano ay may natutunan tayo mula sa isa't-isa.

I thought I knew you. But now it seems I wasn't really friends with you -- I was friends with whom I thought you were.

a near-life experience

2006-06-16T21:17:00.000+08:00

Yesterday a friend of mine got hit by a truck and was sent to a hospital. Suddenly I wanted to know everything about the accident and my orgmate, but it seemed the people I texted didn't have access to first-hand information either. Memories of the loss of Jomar, also an org officer at the time, came flashing back to me. All I could do was pray.

People know they're going to die eventually, but don't actually believe it. We live each and every day of our lives as if there will always be a tomorrow, as if we and the ones we love are immortal. Death is always in the news and in the obituaries, but we don't really accept the fact that we or the people close to us will someday share a similar fate. If we did believe in our mortality, we'd live differently. We'd live each and every day to the fullest.

But it's so hard. In our fast-paced lives, one must always look ahead and plan for the next day, week, month, or even years.

Thankfully Kalil is fine. I don't know the details but a friend assured me that he's going to be okay. Soon things will go back to normal.

holding back tears in a half-empty jeepney

2006-06-15T23:00:00.000+08:00

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while.
'Cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

I was in my freshman year in college then. It was late in the afternoon and I was about to go to our org's room to get something when an orgmate approached me. She looked distressed, and wanted to tell me something. I was totally surprised, for we weren't really close friends, but I couldn't say no. It seemed urgent.

She was weeping before I noticed it. I tried to listen, but could barely hear the words behind the sobs. Siguro kailangan niya lang talaga ng maiiyakan nun. It was strange, really.

Only now have I come to understand what it felt like.

batchmates :)

2006-06-08T20:31:00.000+08:00

Top, left to right: Chloe, me, Tiff, Jeremy, Peter, Jules, Adrian, Osing, and Eric. Bottom, left to right: Martin, Belle, Kristel, and Athena. Not in the photo: Leo and Jas (hehe bakit kaya? ^_^).

The past three weeks have been great with you guys. Honestly I was apprehensive about working for the first time. I never expected to be in such a nice atmosphere.

Habang tumatagal, lalo akong natutuwa na pinili kong magtrabaho sa kompanyang ito. Maraming salamat! :)

a separate peace

2006-05-30T20:31:00.000+08:00

Rudely awakened by my cellphone, I shrug off my desire to just lie down on my bed and continue my sweet slumber. Our phone conversation the previous night suddenly fades into memory. It didn't end so well.

Another day, another struggle. Another struggle to quicken every step, every movement just to make it in time. Another struggle at the MRT station amidst the warm smell of sweat and morning breath which cannot be avoided when one is caught in the sea of gnashing bodies.

Another struggle to keep warm in the numbing cold of the centralized office air conditioning. Another struggle to keep awake.

But I'm happy.

I'm happy because I know what really matters in my life. I'm happy because I have been reminded of this by the scripture that I read earlier today during my short fifteen minutes of a separate peace. If death comes to me tonight I'm not going to worry about my job or my things or the things that I still haven't owned. I'm going to worry about the people I'd leave behind. My loved ones -- they're the ones that really matter.

what's up

2006-05-29T13:12:00.000+08:00

So much has happened since I last made a serious update on my blog, and right now, I don't know where to start. So I guess I'll just make a list.

I'm working now. I'm working for company A (I'm not sure if it's wise to indicate the name) as one of their Programmer Trainees. It's not the exact dream job that I had in mind, but since in a real world one has to be practical, I guess it's as close to that dream as I can get -- well, at least for now.

My girlfriend and I just celebrated our fourth year anniversary, and we are still happily together. It's amazing how four years can seem so short, but I guess it's because four years is such a short timespan in comparison to the years we have yet to spend together.

I haven't opened the Bible and seriously prayed over a passage since I was in Baguio, until today. I brought a Bible and a scripture guide to work today, and did a 15-minute prayer period. I only realized now how short 15 minutes is. Bitin!

I've seen the latest season finales of Smallville and Lost. I used to be a big fan of Smallville and Lana Lang, but now I'd choose Lost over that series anytime. I'm so excited to see what happens in the next season of Lost, it's like waiting for the next Harry Potter book!

I'm still playing the guitar, but not my old one. I bought a new acoustic guitar with a built-in pickup and digital tuner. I even got a guitar strap and pick holder for it. Now all I need is an amplifier (hint hint..hehe).

I'm in the process of... reformatting my life (sorry for the techie metaphor). This new blog is one of the adjustments I'm making. I've noticed that I'm more motivated to blog when I'm sad, angry, depressed, etc. than when I'm happy (It seems there's more outlets for happiness than there is for the opposite emotions) And the old blog's theme and feel doesn't really help, so I decided to just start a new one. ^_^

a new beginning

2006-05-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

A new life.

A new blog.

:)

under the table and dreaming

and with this post..

dilemma

under the table and dreaming

The Sun and the Moon

on spiderman 3

5 Things I Hate About Treadmills

songs to learn

at the grub club

movie marathon

*sigh*

a choice

Grey's Diagnosis: Which Character Are You Like?

Freedom of Choice Is Overrated

on the way to work

jrock and bleach

stressed out?

Christmas Wishlist

unfortunately

the little prince

Tagged by Ate Ria

Tagged by Quilin

The Dance

Overtime

rain

Scars are Souvenirs You Never Lose (The Past is Never Far)

Shooting Star

romantic roadkill

Tagged by ate Cla

an afternoon to remember

touch therapy

on change

twenty-something

Thank You

The 22nd Floor

wish list

sending postcards from a plane crash

No Stardust

I'm Okay

fallout

R

yema

"...Loose lips sink ships."

this one's for you, too

the first monthsary

basahin mo, baka para sa iyo 'to

a near-life experience

holding back tears in a half-empty jeepney

batchmates :)

a separate peace

what's up

a new beginning

sigh