Earlier today, Quilin and I went to the local spa for a full-body massage. I've been looking forward to this for weeks now, and now I'm already looking forward to the next one. Such stress, this working life brings.
My new friends probably don't know that I'm an amateur masseur myself. I learned from my college friends, but actually my first performance dates back to my early childhood. My father would ask me to stand and walk on his back while he lies face down on his bed. Back then I didn't understand what it was for -- it even seemed strange to me, for I thought someone standing on your back would hurt.
I was only enlightened to the power of a good massage by the time I was in college. One day, I went to our org room with stress written all over me due to a previous all-nighter cramming for an academic requirement. One ate of mine was kind enough to offer me a back rub, and only then did I realize how good it felt.
Ever since then I've been trying to learn the art. It's amazing how much relief you can give to someone just by using your bare hands. After some time, I taught Quilin how to do it, so we could give each other a back rub. (It's the tragedy of the masseur/masseuse -- you can't give yourself a back rub)
It's one of the best things in life, and it's free -- well, sometimes it is. ^_^
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
on change
"...You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. " (see previous post)
Yesterday I went home alone. Two months ago this would have been alright, but yesterday it was sad. Because of our different schedules and responsibilities, getting together has become hard, and will become harder as time goes by.
Sometimes I hate change. Just when you're comfortable with your life, things change, and then you'd have to find that sense of equilibrium again, which never really last long enough. Sometimes things change so fast there isn't even time to say goodbye to the present as it moves to the past. Sometimes you don't even notice it's already gone. And when you do, you're left with this tearing feeling, which only gets worse as you force yourself to move forward and not look back.
But as I realized years ago, without change there is no uncertainty. That would have been great, but without uncertainty, how can there be hope?
And change makes us strong. It's what pushed living organisms to evolve in the first place. With every painful change is a challenge to become stronger. The pain is inevitable. I just wish I won't have to go through it alone.
So maybe I don't really hate change. I just hate being alone.
Yesterday I went home alone. Two months ago this would have been alright, but yesterday it was sad. Because of our different schedules and responsibilities, getting together has become hard, and will become harder as time goes by.
Sometimes I hate change. Just when you're comfortable with your life, things change, and then you'd have to find that sense of equilibrium again, which never really last long enough. Sometimes things change so fast there isn't even time to say goodbye to the present as it moves to the past. Sometimes you don't even notice it's already gone. And when you do, you're left with this tearing feeling, which only gets worse as you force yourself to move forward and not look back.
But as I realized years ago, without change there is no uncertainty. That would have been great, but without uncertainty, how can there be hope?
And change makes us strong. It's what pushed living organisms to evolve in the first place. With every painful change is a challenge to become stronger. The pain is inevitable. I just wish I won't have to go through it alone.
So maybe I don't really hate change. I just hate being alone.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
twenty-something
(forwarded to me by a friend)
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.
You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. [italics mine]
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.
You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. [italics mine]
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Thank You
I would like to thank the following people for their thoughtful messages last July 15th:
(in chronological order)
Quilin Pattaui, JayR Estacio, Mutya Bondad, Kristel Galicia, Karen Bustalinio, Ira Marasigan, Ria Rivera, Paolo Guanio, Clang Manuel, Daddy and Family (personal so di ko na-log ang time. hehe), Ace Cimafranca, Melit de Guzman, Anj Paguio, Rolls Pagunsan, Ishehyrelle Ieres, Sally Vy, Pearl Bersales, Jahnus Silva, Mark Ayaay, Joan Alvarez, Jacklyn Co, Marc Santos, Gerald Flores, James Sta. Isabel, Jay Endaya, Ava Velasquez, Tammie Briones, Chloe Cervania, Grace Sarmiento, Ray Ocfemia, Cindy Tambago, Belle Pedro, Myko Marcilla, Cla Martin, Mark Edaño, Dina Poyaoan, Tehani San Pedro, Xandee Lacerna, Soph dela Paz, Chi Billones, Kalil Almonte, Gema Abrahano, Kamille Tabalan, Tina Sendin, Perci Ko, Ariel (sorry I don't know your last name), Martin Marte, Omar Castro, Dindy Las Piñas, and Lilac Caspe
Special Thanks to:
Quilin -- for the surprise delivery of a big, fluffy comfy pillow, and the best post-birthday celebration I have ever had. I love you. :)
Deb -- for keeping me company on that lonesome day, and for the free Gloria Jeans coffee. :)
my AST batchmates: Adrian, Athena, Belle, Chloe, Eric, Jeremy, Jules, Leo & Jas, Kristel, Martin, Osing, Peter, and Tiff -- for consuming three eighteen-inch Yellow Cab Pizzas (hehe), for the book (I haven't read it yet -- im sort of "saving it up") and written birthday messages*. I really didn't see that coming. Thank you so much for the wonderful surprise. Thank you for a great pre-birthday celebration. :)
*back in Gabay, my college org, a "birthday thingy" was made for each member for his/her birthday, containing birthday messages from the other members of the org. I felt sad, knowing that since I had graduated, I won't be on the "birthday thingy" list anymore. Imagine my surprise when I got one from my officemates. ^_^
(in chronological order)
Quilin Pattaui, JayR Estacio, Mutya Bondad, Kristel Galicia, Karen Bustalinio, Ira Marasigan, Ria Rivera, Paolo Guanio, Clang Manuel, Daddy and Family (personal so di ko na-log ang time. hehe), Ace Cimafranca, Melit de Guzman, Anj Paguio, Rolls Pagunsan, Ishehyrelle Ieres, Sally Vy, Pearl Bersales, Jahnus Silva, Mark Ayaay, Joan Alvarez, Jacklyn Co, Marc Santos, Gerald Flores, James Sta. Isabel, Jay Endaya, Ava Velasquez, Tammie Briones, Chloe Cervania, Grace Sarmiento, Ray Ocfemia, Cindy Tambago, Belle Pedro, Myko Marcilla, Cla Martin, Mark Edaño, Dina Poyaoan, Tehani San Pedro, Xandee Lacerna, Soph dela Paz, Chi Billones, Kalil Almonte, Gema Abrahano, Kamille Tabalan, Tina Sendin, Perci Ko, Ariel (sorry I don't know your last name), Martin Marte, Omar Castro, Dindy Las Piñas, and Lilac Caspe
Special Thanks to:
Quilin -- for the surprise delivery of a big, fluffy comfy pillow, and the best post-birthday celebration I have ever had. I love you. :)
Deb -- for keeping me company on that lonesome day, and for the free Gloria Jeans coffee. :)
my AST batchmates: Adrian, Athena, Belle, Chloe, Eric, Jeremy, Jules, Leo & Jas, Kristel, Martin, Osing, Peter, and Tiff -- for consuming three eighteen-inch Yellow Cab Pizzas (hehe), for the book (I haven't read it yet -- im sort of "saving it up") and written birthday messages*. I really didn't see that coming. Thank you so much for the wonderful surprise. Thank you for a great pre-birthday celebration. :)
*back in Gabay, my college org, a "birthday thingy" was made for each member for his/her birthday, containing birthday messages from the other members of the org. I felt sad, knowing that since I had graduated, I won't be on the "birthday thingy" list anymore. Imagine my surprise when I got one from my officemates. ^_^
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The 22nd Floor
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
-- Semisonic, "Closing Time"
Sometimes I imagine our batch as characters in a cable TV series. It would be about the lives of fifteen strangers which inevitably intersect once they are accepted as trainees for a company somewhere in Ayala.
The pilot episode would deal mainly with the experiences of the characters as they go through the struggles of the first day of work (for some it maybe the second or third first day) -- the expectations, surprises, tension, and first impressions.
The series would go on to show flashbacks of each of their pasts, revealing the experiences, the people who had a hand in shaping their character, which would explain the way they are now, and how they deal with the people and situations around them.
The show would also deal with the hardships of life at work, the blooming friendships and subtle issues, energizer bunnies and persons-who-must-not-be-named, impersonations and imaginary worlds, noteworthy lunch conversations, late night symposiums at fastfood chains (load-up mode/tipid mode) and LET LOOSE moments while having the almost-best-seat-in-town (damn those colorful TODO cushioned chairs) and coolest ambiance (oo, gusto ko ng ambiance!! ditch the 3 beers for 120! hahaahha! =p)*
Lastly, the first season finale would be about today, for today the first phase of our training ended as we started walking different paths, even though we're pretty much still on the same floor. The episode would continue on showing how this radical change comes about, and the mixed emotions that are stirred by it. A mixture of excitement, apprehension, disappointment, elation, and nostalgia hangs in the air, but is permeated by an air of necessity, since after all, work is what we came here for in the first place.
The last few minutes of the finale would be silent and slightly in slow-motion (and maybe even in black and white), showing each of the characters as they venture on the new worlds on their own, while a melodramatic song plays in the background (like Eva Cassidy's rendition of Time After Time).
umandar na naman ang kasentihan ko. hehe
* with additions from belle. ^_^
-- Semisonic, "Closing Time"
Sometimes I imagine our batch as characters in a cable TV series. It would be about the lives of fifteen strangers which inevitably intersect once they are accepted as trainees for a company somewhere in Ayala.
The pilot episode would deal mainly with the experiences of the characters as they go through the struggles of the first day of work (for some it maybe the second or third first day) -- the expectations, surprises, tension, and first impressions.
The series would go on to show flashbacks of each of their pasts, revealing the experiences, the people who had a hand in shaping their character, which would explain the way they are now, and how they deal with the people and situations around them.
The show would also deal with the hardships of life at work, the blooming friendships and subtle issues, energizer bunnies and persons-who-must-not-be-named, impersonations and imaginary worlds, noteworthy lunch conversations, late night symposiums at fastfood chains (load-up mode/tipid mode) and LET LOOSE moments while having the almost-best-seat-in-town (damn those colorful TODO cushioned chairs) and coolest ambiance (oo, gusto ko ng ambiance!! ditch the 3 beers for 120! hahaahha! =p)*
Lastly, the first season finale would be about today, for today the first phase of our training ended as we started walking different paths, even though we're pretty much still on the same floor. The episode would continue on showing how this radical change comes about, and the mixed emotions that are stirred by it. A mixture of excitement, apprehension, disappointment, elation, and nostalgia hangs in the air, but is permeated by an air of necessity, since after all, work is what we came here for in the first place.
The last few minutes of the finale would be silent and slightly in slow-motion (and maybe even in black and white), showing each of the characters as they venture on the new worlds on their own, while a melodramatic song plays in the background (like Eva Cassidy's rendition of Time After Time).
umandar na naman ang kasentihan ko. hehe
* with additions from belle. ^_^
Sunday, July 09, 2006
wish list
libre lang naman ang mangarap. ;)
NOTE: if you are worried that someone else might get the same thing, you can leave an anonymous comment here, para may surprise pa din and at the same time walang doble. hehe :D
books
Stardust by Neil Gaiman
Pugad Baboy 2, 4-18 by Pol Medina Jr.
The Witching Hour by Anne Rice
The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice
Pandora by Anne Rice
CDs
Mojofly, Session Road, Soapdish, Moonstar 88, Itchyworms
(Please no pirated CDs. Support OPM!)
others
My Chemical Romance T-Shirt (black; medium or large)
big fluffy pillow (made of feathers sana)
handy water container that I can bring to work
Il Mare DVD (ito kahit hindi orig. hehe)
a pack of blank DVD-Rs/CD-Rs
..but there's nothing like the simple, warm company of friends. ;)
NOTE: if you are worried that someone else might get the same thing, you can leave an anonymous comment here, para may surprise pa din and at the same time walang doble. hehe :D
books
Stardust by Neil Gaiman
Pugad Baboy 2, 4-18 by Pol Medina Jr.
The Witching Hour by Anne Rice
The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice
Pandora by Anne Rice
CDs
Mojofly, Session Road, Soapdish, Moonstar 88, Itchyworms
(Please no pirated CDs. Support OPM!)
others
My Chemical Romance T-Shirt (black; medium or large)
big fluffy pillow (made of feathers sana)
handy water container that I can bring to work
Il Mare DVD (ito kahit hindi orig. hehe)
a pack of blank DVD-Rs/CD-Rs
..but there's nothing like the simple, warm company of friends. ;)
Thursday, July 06, 2006
sending postcards from a plane crash
INSTRUCTIONS
01. Put your music player on shuffle.
02. Press forward for each question.
03. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
04. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
[I'm gonna put some lyrics and comments soon when I have time.]
How are you feeling today?
Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash by Fall Out Boy
Will you get far in life?
Forever Blue by Cacai Velasquez
How do your friends see you?
Here Is Gone by Goo Goo Dolls
Will you get married?
Waiting in Vain by MYMP
What is your best friend's theme song?
You Gotta Be Strong by Desree
What is the story of your life?
Slide by Goo Goo Dolls
What was high school like?
Don't Tell Me by Avril Lavigne
How can you get ahead in life?
Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
What is the best thing about your friends?
The First Cut is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow
What is in store for this weekend?
Five Years by Sugar Hiccup
What song describes you?
'Till My Heartaches End by Ella Mae Saison
To describe your grandparents?
Eyes On Me by Faye Wong (piano version)
How is your life going?
Reinventing the Wheel to Run Myself Over by Fall Out Boy
What song will they play at your funeral?
Cool With You by Jennifer Love Hewitt
How does the world see you?
Wordplay by Jason Mraz
Will you have a happy life?
Paalam Na by Rachel Alejandro
What do your friends really think of you?
When You Say Nothing at All by Allison Krauss
Do people secretly lust after you?
Don't Let it Bring You Down by Annie Lennox
How can I make myself happy?
Don't Leave This Place by Sponge Cola
What should you do with your life?
No Ordinary Love by Jennifer Love Hewitt
Will you ever have children?
Fields of Gold by Eva Cassidy
01. Put your music player on shuffle.
02. Press forward for each question.
03. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
04. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
[I'm gonna put some lyrics and comments soon when I have time.]
How are you feeling today?
Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash by Fall Out Boy
Will you get far in life?
Forever Blue by Cacai Velasquez
How do your friends see you?
Here Is Gone by Goo Goo Dolls
Will you get married?
Waiting in Vain by MYMP
What is your best friend's theme song?
You Gotta Be Strong by Desree
What is the story of your life?
Slide by Goo Goo Dolls
What was high school like?
Don't Tell Me by Avril Lavigne
How can you get ahead in life?
Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
What is the best thing about your friends?
The First Cut is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow
What is in store for this weekend?
Five Years by Sugar Hiccup
What song describes you?
'Till My Heartaches End by Ella Mae Saison
To describe your grandparents?
Eyes On Me by Faye Wong (piano version)
How is your life going?
Reinventing the Wheel to Run Myself Over by Fall Out Boy
What song will they play at your funeral?
Cool With You by Jennifer Love Hewitt
How does the world see you?
Wordplay by Jason Mraz
Will you have a happy life?
Paalam Na by Rachel Alejandro
What do your friends really think of you?
When You Say Nothing at All by Allison Krauss
Do people secretly lust after you?
Don't Let it Bring You Down by Annie Lennox
How can I make myself happy?
Don't Leave This Place by Sponge Cola
What should you do with your life?
No Ordinary Love by Jennifer Love Hewitt
Will you ever have children?
Fields of Gold by Eva Cassidy
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
No Stardust
I've just been to Powerbooks (Greenbelt), A Different Bookstore (Glorietta), Fully-Booked (Gateway), and two National Book stores -- that's five different major book stores in more than three malls, and still I could not find a single copy of Neil Gaiman's Stardust. This is really not helping.
I'm Okay
There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes
The scent of vaseline in the summertime
The feel of an ice cube melting over time
The world seems bigger than both of us
Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry
It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet
- Splender, "I Think God Can Explain"
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes
The scent of vaseline in the summertime
The feel of an ice cube melting over time
The world seems bigger than both of us
Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry
It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet
- Splender, "I Think God Can Explain"
fallout
It sucks when you lose your self-esteem.
It sucks even more when you realize that you lost it all by yourself.
It sucks even more when you realize that you lost it all by yourself.
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